Candidate 1: "When I get into office, I am going to cut spending and implement a flat tax, because I feel that the 1% who run this country (and finance my campaign) are paying too large a share of the tax burden. We need to get the 50% of free-loading Americans (i.e. the ones whose jobs we outsourced), to start paying their fair share. [TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM ASSEMBLED IDIOCRACY]
Candidate 2: "That's nothing. When I get into office, I am going to cut taxes and eliminate three Government departments - I just can't remember which ones...I am pretty sure one of them is Education..."
[TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM ASSEMBLED IDIOCRACY]
Ron Paul: "That's nothing. I will eliminate five departments in the Federal Government, abolish the Federal Reserve and restore the Gold Standard. Eventually I will eliminate the entire Federal Government - at which time I will set up my one-man office in the parking lot at WalMart".
"Folks, I would sincerely like to implement a more effective and efficient Federal Government, but my ideology prevents me from believing that such a thing even exists".
[TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM ASSEMBLED IDIOCRACY]
Candidate 4: "That's nothing. I have been in government for twenty years and I was on the 315 House Subcommittees aimed at reducing regulation, cutting taxes, and downsizing government. It all went nowhere of course, but it was a super duper experience and qualifies me to be the next bullshit-artist in chief."
[TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM ASSEMBLED IDIOCRACY]
Candidate 5: "I am a pizza maker and I promise to reduce all taxes to 9% across the board. I also promise 9 toppings on 9 large pizzas for 9 dollars" [TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM ASSEMBLED IDIOCRACY]
Candidate 6: "That's nothing. I will reduce all taxes to 0% which will free up the economy to grow, grow, grow which will eventually increase tax revenues back above where they are currently. It worked for Reagan, and it can work again !"
[TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM THE IDIOCRACY].
Candidate 7: "As you can clearly ascertain, I am not anything like these tea party nut jobs. I am the quintessential Wall Street Insider. I made my fortune in Private Equity disemboweling American companies and selling their carcasses to foreigners. Unbeknownst to you, I was already handed the Repulican nomination by my 1% Associates who run this country, during a private meeting last year. After all, I can raise more money with one phone call, than the rest of these morons can raise in a year. My assignment is to endure this charade for the next few months, to propagate the illusion of democracy for the benefit of the Idiocracy. Short of finding pictures of me partying with Jerry Sandusky, thanks to the odd jobs here on stage, I can't lose this nomination."
[CONFUSED APPLAUSE FROM THE IDIOCRACY].
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Hello, this is President Barack Obama: "Like these perma-smiliing salesmen, I was elected by making a lot of promises I knew would never see the light of day. When I got to Washington things were even more fucked up than I could have imagined. As a result, I have continued to propagate all of George Bush's moronic policies, because the Special Interest groups who run the U.S. won't allow me to do otherwise. Any time I try to do anything, I am branded a dangerous radical and Faux News starts looking into my immigration status. I eventually implemented a Medical Care bill which was the most bloated and bastardized piece of legislation ever rammed through Congress- which is no small feat ! Unfortunately, I have more than used up all of the "Change/Hope" political capital that got me elected, so here I am a sitting duck for this coming year as the Republicans decide which Simple Jack will take me out in the next election. Actually, I was recently told by my sponsors that they now favour their other candidate Mitt Romney over me, even though I have done everything they have asked me to do...after all, the new Medical Care bill is going to make the Insurance companies a ton of money.
Let me finish by saying God Bless America (because if I don't I will be branded an Islamist atheist)".
[TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE FROM THE IDIOCRACY].
Candidate 7: "As you can clearly ascertain, I am not anything like these tea party nut jobs. I am the quintessential Wall Street Insider. I made my fortune in Private Equity disemboweling American companies and selling their carcasses to foreigners. Unbeknownst to you, I was already handed the Repulican nomination by my 1% Associates who run this country, during a private meeting last year. After all, I can raise more money with one phone call, than the rest of these morons can raise in a year. My assignment is to endure this charade for the next few months, to propagate the illusion of democracy for the benefit of the Idiocracy. Short of finding pictures of me partying with Jerry Sandusky, thanks to the odd jobs here on stage, I can't lose this nomination."
[CONFUSED APPLAUSE FROM THE IDIOCRACY].
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is President Barack Obama: "Like these perma-smiliing salesmen, I was elected by making a lot of promises I knew would never see the light of day. When I got to Washington things were even more fucked up than I could have imagined. As a result, I have continued to propagate all of George Bush's moronic policies, because the Special Interest groups who run the U.S. won't allow me to do otherwise. Any time I try to do anything, I am branded a dangerous radical and Faux News starts looking into my immigration status. I eventually implemented a Medical Care bill which was the most bloated and bastardized piece of legislation ever rammed through Congress- which is no small feat ! Unfortunately, I have more than used up all of the "Change/Hope" political capital that got me elected, so here I am a sitting duck for this coming year as the Republicans decide which Simple Jack will take me out in the next election. Actually, I was recently told by my sponsors that they now favour their other candidate Mitt Romney over me, even though I have done everything they have asked me to do...after all, the new Medical Care bill is going to make the Insurance companies a ton of money.
Let me finish by saying God Bless America (because if I don't I will be branded an Islamist atheist)".
