Euros to be printed in 4-ply rolls - soft and cushiony
In the main story of the week, Europeans are deciding how much money they will print to allow insolvent nations that borrowed too much money, to borrow more money but at lower interest rates. This way, they can incentivize these nations to stop borrowing so much. This program will allow all Europeans to assist these insolvent nations in their over-spending spree. In line with socialist principles, the costs will be very equally distributed via flat tax, otherwise known as inflation. In his best imitation of Manuel from Fawlty Towers, Spain's PM Rajoy is now telling everyone that his country doesn't need the money - Que ?
More dollars printed in 4-ply rolls
In related news, U.S. Fed. policy makers meet tomorrow to decide how much money they will print to maintain the illusion of U.S. solvency. To date, they have printed $2.8 trillion, however, that is not deemed enough, since the government is still borrowing $1.1 trillion and has borrowed $5 trillion in the past 4 years. So the Federal Reserve is behind in its money printing. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected to once again admonish politicians that they are spending way too much money and if they don't become more responsible, he will print less money for them in the future. Meanwhile, politicians fret that they are heading for a fiscal cliff which would mean that they would be automatically required to balance the budget and otherwise live within their means. The 'fiscal cliff' which used to be called 'fiscal responsibility' (before it was rebranded by the Idiocracy), is causing a major crisis for the markets and other special interest groups.
At long last, iPhoney 5 - life can begin !
Lastly, after a year's wait, Apple introduced iPhoney 5 which would have been iPhoney 6, except last year's version was dubbed iPhoney 4S since it was identical to the iPhone 4. The latest version is slightly thinner and slightly larger, but otherwise identical to the previous iPhoney's. At the official unveiling, one Apple engineer enthused that the iPhone is this generation's space program:
"Just as the space program made quantum leaps from Mercury to Gemini to Apollo, each iteration of the iPhone is a major leap forward. Forty three years ago, Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon. Today, after only a year of design and development, we added an extra row of icons".In a swipe at Obama, another engineer chimed in - "We made this". But a sly reporter called him out when he said "Wasn't this actually made by underpaid wage slaves in China?". The engineer was offended and confused, since he was Asian American. The first engineer retorted: "Technically that's true, but we came up with the idea of another row of icons - Steve Jobs is dead, you know". At which point, the entire room full of uber geeks bowed its head in reverent silence.
While the new phone was announced yesterday, it won't go on sale for a two more weeks, but already tent cities are forming outside Apple stores to get the new phone. The price on the black market for the iPhoney 5 has reached $6,000, whereas the price of the iPhone 4 has plunged to $1.50 since it is now technologically obsolete, having only four rows of icons. (Coincidentally, $1.50 is the manufacturing cost of both phones).
FYI, Apple has asked consumers over 40 years of age to stay away from the stores for a few weeks, or risk humiliation by asking all of the uber Geeks if they work there, while mumbling incoherently why this fucking store has no cashier. As always, Apple employees will be camouflaged as consumers and randomly milling around the store.
Straight to 11
In a rare agreement, the ECB, Fed and Apple have decided that if their current LTRO/ESM/QE/iPhoney 3,4,5,6,7 programs don't get the economy going, then they are all jumping straight to 11:
